Tag Archives: life

February 17, 2002: Snow

It’s snowing up in Jackson; the lines are down over in Houston. The weather is playing in a minor key with subtle green notes that are out of tune with the season. A mid-winter cotton crop of frozen water imposes havoc on a land steill bearing the scars of slavery. Sometimes reconning comes as intermittent doses. Lent is about to settle over the South. Perhaps the sounds of contrition have arrived in an unexpected form.

I’m waiting for yet another healer. Knives, potions, extractions of red life from arms have moved in like uninvited guests. One needle extracts while another injects. Life out-life in.

It’s snowing up in Jackson, but a different reconning clings to the coast.

Stephen Crane Watched In Silence

A cold rain in July was difficult to process.

“I’m lonely,” the girl used the words like a tissue against the driving water.

“The rain isn’t really cold. It’s the contradiction it presents to the heat.”

“Dumb ass, I’m still lonely, and your pseudo-intellectual meteorological burps do nothing to change my situation.”

Why were they having this gray and yellow conversation in the midst of a pounding Gulf squall?

“You far from home?”, he tried.

“Always have been.”

“Where is home?”

“I’ve worked hard to forget. At the moment it is here in the shelter of this concrete picnic table that escaped from the 50’s.”

“Want a beer?”

“I don’t drink, but yes.”

They drank in an existential silence that would have frozen Camus. He saw nothing as he stared out at the rain. She felt everything in the hole she had used to replace her soul. Every splinter of lightning and its lover, the detonation of thunder, echoed in that dark place.

“See you,” and he walked into the gray wall of the storm. She sat gazing at the empty beer bottle and slowly dissolved into the universe.

Misnomer

He was a big “0fer” on his last three outs. The last one ended when the bull known as Quiet Man rammed him into the dirt at 7 seconds on the clock. If he did not make the short go tonight, he would be living in his truck, not just sleeping there. As his finger traced the draw sheet, he found his name next to Dog Food. The story was that this bull was so scrawny and ugly that one of the owner’s hands had remarked that he would not be worth much except for dog food. The fool should have looked into the animal’s eyes.

The boys on the circuit knew nothing about this creature as this was his first major competition. He walked down to the holding pen and spotted Dog Food standing alone. His horns had been trimmed off and his nasty yellow hide covered a body that was anything but scrawny. The bull noticed him with the eyes of ancient wisdom, snorted once and moved away.

Thirty minutes later he was lowering himself onto Dog Food’s back, tightening his rope, and adjusting his seat. A nod and they pulled the gate. The once mocked yellow creature took one stride out of the chute and launched his rump toward the moon. On touch down he snapped his head back with the move that frequently left riders with a broken nose or worse. A blindingly quick spin left, another four-foot flight, a second head snap and the horn sounded for eight.

He pulled hard on his rope, but his hand stuck. Dog Food twisted and he was finally free. No red flag, the board flashed 90. He would not sleep in his truck and would not have to eat dog food.

March 1521: A fair question.

“El calor es como el infierno. Las serpientes tienen colas con fabricantes de ruido. Nadie vive aquí. Esto no podía ser Eldorado. ¿Por qué vinimos?”

He never heard the arrow that sliced through his carotid artery.

Welcome to Florida.

View From The Other Side

Trotting down the narrow dirt floored corridor defined by steel bars, it was time to go to work. A new night in a new place, but his first time out always brought excitement. Time began to slow down as he waited in line for his turn. A time for reflection before preparation.

He began life as a number somewhere in the place humans called Colorado. Number 666 so they said. Remembering when that moniker gave way to a real name was easy. Warm summer light brought a shimmer to the tiny human they called Lisa. All she wanted was to pat his head. Four tiny strokes later she uttered, “Snuggles”. So he was transformed. The ultimate power had arrived, the power to name. Yet now, in ten minutes he would retrieve some of that power.

Out in the human world some of those creatures were screaming loudly about how he suffered abuse, a feeling he had never experienced. True, he never controlled when he worked, but he was well-fed, his health was carefully monitored, and the hard work lasted 8 seconds. Besides, he got to travel. The best part was he would never see the inside of a slaughterhouse.

The time had arrived. A loud clang accompanied the closing of the chute’s backdoor. Humans hovering like the flies he hated back in the feed lot. Soft denim against his back and along his ribs as this week’s opponent took his position. His name felt appropriate. Deep breath; open gate; explosion. His opponent did well, but not well enough. Four seconds, and he trotted back to the holding pen to think about sunshine and four tiny strokes.

REFUGEE

Straight, like the edge of a blade; empty as his soul; leading nowhere with his steps. County Road 9 presented itself. A January chill prevented the wavy evidence of heat rising. If visually isolating, the silence was nonetheless inviting. Making its second pass a hawk decided he was not on the menu. Just as well, company was unwelcome.

The primal voice in his head reminded him that he knew where CR 9 led. Movement captured his attention as a four-foot-long diamondback slithered across the asphalt to sanctuary in the southern drainage ditch. Death in the air, death on the ground, he needed to move.

A hundred more steps, and a light breeze momentarily dropped the temperature five degrees and lifted the aroma of the marsh to his face. Now he remembered that while all roads terminated in the same place, this one provided a way station in nirvana. A heron squalled. He felt at home on the edge of creation.

The Letter

Alone on the grass far, far from saltwater feeling even further from the reality that dominated the news, he wrote. What the snaking cursive lines conveyed mattered less than their existence. The page that they were built upon would be lost in some not-too-distant future. Their meaning might never be discerned. Yet the act of their creation was cathartic and seemed to move the writer’s trajectory across this one bright spring day.

Decades rolled and tossed making a mockery of clocks’ work and calendars’ bookkeeping. That Spring’s war gave way to another which surrendered to another. A lifetime of wars without ever having to join the fray. Should guilt have become a companion? Those long-lost lines might hold the clue, but they are gone like so many other lives sacrificed on the altar of madness.

ADVICE TO A YOUNG PERSON (WHO ASKED FOR IT)

A former student contacted me and asked for some advice on the eve of leaving college and pursuing a career. After lengthy consideration these are my best thoughts.

  1. Find a job in a profession that gives you joy and draws out your best habits, instincts, and reactions. Make financial compensation (which is important) something less than number one on your list.
  2. Never stop reading. Make certain that your reading list is diverse. Include fiction and non-fiction, especially quality biographies. Read the classics (re-read some of them).

Moby Dick, Plutarch, Herodotus, Bible, Koran, Bhagavad-Gita, Tao. Always read the unabridged version..

  • Stay healthy by exercising and eating a diet of diverse raw fruit and vegetables. Fish and other seafood are great. A burger is OK once in a while.
  • Make music an important part of your life. Work to develop an appreciation for both sophisticated music AND literate lyrics.
  • Strive to distinguish between what you like and what is good. They are not always the same thing. Enjoying “pop” music is fun but avoid seeing it as the equal of Chopin, John Coltrane, Bob Dylan, Bessie Smith, or Bach.
  • Find a quiet place in nature that restores your soul and repairs your psyche. Mountains, rivers, oceans, great views out your backdoor.
  • Find the quiet place in your soul which you can call up when life becomes turbulent, because it will.
  • Remember and hold in reverence the fact that the universe contains realities that are not explained by math, science, and logic.
  • Find and cherish good friends. Write letters not just e-mails. Your hand personalizes the process in an important fashion. Use a fountain pen and write in cursive.
  • Remember that life is short, time seems to accelerate with age, and other people are very important (even if you do not know them). They are not a pawn in your game. You are never as good as “they” say you are, and you are never as bad as “they” say you are.

Peace be upon Thee and Thy House.

The Old Man’s Great Gift: Part 3 (Day of the Gun)

Chapter 1 of The Old Man And The Boy opens with the Old Man teaching the Boy about hunting quail and the many collateral issues that attend to the practice. One of the most important lessons revolves around the Boy’s first shotgun.

The Old Man: “You always got to remember that when a gun is loaded it makes a potential killer out of the man that’s handling it. Don’t you ever forget it.”

The Boy noted, “I said I wouldn’t forget it. I never did forget it.”

I cannot remember the day, month, or year that I first saw it. I was no more than nine years old, and my Dad was working a second job, part-time, at a tackle shop in my home town. In those days in the Panhandle of Florida the term “tackle shop” meant only one thing–a store where hunting and fishing gear was sold. I loved going there with him because I felt like an insider and was going to have an outsized percentage of my curiosities fed. It stood in a rack of guns behind the counter. Most of its neighbors and relatives were dressed in walnut or similar wooden stocks ranging from dark chestnut to light blond in color. However, the apple of my young eye was a Harrington & Richardson .410 gauge single shot breach loading shotgun furnished with a fire engine red stock. Unusual, but with irresistible appeal. Time has destroyed my memory as to the day and occasion that the red H&R became mine. Yet, the purpose, protocols of use, language, and love that came with the gun are indelible. My father refused to allow any of his children to own a BB gun. His intransigence on this point was based on simple logic. He did not want his sons (my sister had no interest in hunting) running around the neighbor hood developing bad habits with guns. Each appeal for a BB gun was met with, “When you are old enough to own and use a real gun properly we’ll see about getting you one.”

So even before the desire for a gun found specific expression, the lessons of patience and listening were seeded. Listening and observing over time were key because hunting and guns were part of who and what my family did in the fall and winter. As the Old Man told the Boy, a gun is dangerous.

Lesson one: Every gun is loaded until you personally physically check that it isn’t. This rule was intended to be followed literally. I could stand next to my father as he removed his 16 gauge from the closet checked the breach and found it empty then closed the breach. If he handed me the gun in the same motion that had closed the breach I was expected to open the breach again and examine the chamber. Even now I do it, as does my brother.

Lesson two: Safety was and is priority one when using a firearm. Bird hunting meant either doves or quail. Each activity had general as well as very specific protocols for handling the shotguns. Quail required a dog as well as a good deal of walking and waiting on the sudden explosion of targets spreading out in an unpredictably wide high speed arc. Most of the old men would not allow a third party on a quail hunt. When the dog flushed the birds one shooter took birds flying right and the other took birds flying left. A third hunter increased the risk that a gun would be fired in the direction of one of the others and increase the risk of a human casualty. My dad and his father would take me along but with strict rules about where I aimed when the covey rose. We never had an accident.

Doves involved different logistics and rules of firing geometry. Since the hunters were stationed around the perimeter of corn or millet fields it was not unusual that one man’s field of fire would be directly across from another’s. In other words, hunters could easily shoot someone on the other side of the field. Thus, the vertical firing angle was as important as the horizontal.

In addition, both quail and dove hunting often required crossing streams, working one’s way through difficult brush, or crossing fences. Fences were particularly important in the realm of gun safety. Guns had to have the chamber unloaded, then placed on the ground pointing away from where the hunters were crossing. The weapons were retrieved after crossing and then reloaded. Early in my career failure to adhere to this procedure cost me the use of my gun and thus meaningful inclusion on the next hunting trip. My father’s word was his bond. Breaking rules had consequences.

Lesson three: You never point a loaded gun at anything unless you intend to fire at it. Guns were/are not forms of play, threats, or intimidation. Loaded guns were always pointed at the ground in front of the hunters or at the sky away from all the hunters. Thus, any unintentional discharge would not result in a casualty. We never had a gun tragedy in my family.

Lesson four: If you shoot it you dress and eat it. My father never countenanced the idea of hunting for trophies. Hunting required killing and killing was to obtain food, NOT to hang something on the wall. Thus, when early in my gun life I wanted shoot a cardinal or jaybird (memory fails me as to the exact species) my father relented. Once the deed was done, he reminded me that I must dress the small victims, have my grandmother cook them, and then I had to consume them. They were small, tough, and about as tasty as the leather from the masts of Magellan’s ship. Lesson learned.

Eventually my Dad gave me a Winchester .22 hammerless lever action rifle and later added a scope. Respecting guns and the attending rules was the path to a more varied set of hunting tools. I shared many days in the woods with my Dad and grandfather. I came to appreciate that well made tools appropriately applied to their intended purpose were to be admired, but never misused. A respect for animals and their habitat was the other integral piece of my education with guns.

Through guns and hunting my Dad and the old men in my family taught me that life is to be respected; that life is finite; and that death is part of living. My Dad is gone now, but he left me his Marlin .22 calibre lever action rifle. I never pull it from its faux alligator leather case without remembering him and the deep respect for life that he taught me.

HOT FLASHES

“Entre la espada y la pared”

The fire descends on the head like Diablo’s hand.

No choice.

Fan blades ruffle the air,

No noise.

A mild chill glides across the body on the bed,

No relief.

The burn moves south to the thorax,

No light,

Just a flash as the treatment continues.

Just a reminder.